


Melody Lost

by Justphoenix



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Child Loss, Depression, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Isolation, Marital Conflict, Motherhood, Post-Episode: s06e07 A Good Man Goes to War, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 08:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19353673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justphoenix/pseuds/Justphoenix
Summary: Set immediately after “A Good Man Goes To War”,  Amy deals with the fallout of losing her daughter.





	Melody Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I opted not to address Amy's infertility in this work, mostly because I want to focus on the grief of losing a child. Issues surrounding parenthood don't get talked about much in fan fiction, likely due to much of it being written by young authors, but I think it's a story worth telling.

Day 1

Amy staggered forward onto the concrete, the smell of freshly laid tar burning her nostrils. She caught herself on a ragged tree stump, and held on until the world stopped spinning. Her head was throbbing with pain. She felt her stomach lurch and closed her eyes, willing herself not to vomit.

 

She felt a hand, strong yet gentle, on her back. “Are you all right, Mother?”

 

She shook her head. She wished River hadn’t called her that. It couldn’t have been more than half an hour since she’d held the prayer leaf in her hand, turning it over, to find her daughter’s name. The strange woman who’d they’d met a few times, who knew more than she was letting on. What else was she hiding?

 

“First time with a Vortex Manipulator is always the hardest.” River said.

 

“Now I know why the Doctor hates those things.” Amy waited until the nausea passed, then opened her eyes, immediately shutting them again. “Was the sun always this bright?”

 

“You’re not used to it. You were trapped aboard Demon’s Run for months.”

 

She slowly stood up, and heard a gagging sound behind her, and turned around. Rory had not been so lucky. River offered him a hand up, carefully avoiding stepping in vomit. He blinked. 

 

“Where are we?”

 

“Near your flat. Next street over. I got us pretty close. It’s late May, about a month after Lake Silencio. Come on.” She held an arm out to Amy, who was still shaky on her feet. Rory grabbed her other hand. As they walked, they saw a small boy of six or seven on his bike, staring at them quizzically.

 

“Did I grow another head?” Amy remarked.

“You’re still in your nightie.” Rory pointed out. “And I look like I’m headed to a fancy dress party.” He smiled a bit. She’d gotten so accustomed to seeing Rory in the Centurion outfit she’d barely noticed.

 

When they arrived home, River got Amy and Rory settled on the living room couch, then made a brief phone call. “Grilled chicken from Murphy’s. It’ll be here in an hour. You both need protein.” She sprawled out on the loveseat, facing them.

 

“That’s my favorite. How did you know?” Amy asked.

 

“Spoilers.” She gave a cryptic smile.

 

That was quickly becoming her least favorite word. “So what happens now?”

 

“You recover, and I go back to Stormcage. They get so very annoyed with me when I’m not there for monthly inspections.”

 

“So that’s it? We do nothing?”

 

“There is nothing to do.” She said solemnly.

 

Amy stood up, trying not to stress her sore body. “We can look for Melody. We have the Vortex Manipulator, we can search for her.”

 

“I’m sorry. We can’t.” River sat up and met her eyes. ”The Doctor is looking for her, and he is doing everything he can. You need to trust him.”

 

She eyed River warily. “Why can’t we go too?!”

 

River cast her eyes downwards, contemplating the question. It was the first time Amy had seen her caught off guard. When she looked up, her face was frozen, a hint of sadness in her eyes. “I can’t explain, but it’s not supposed to happen. I’m sorry.” She looked away.

 

“You mean it didn’t happen.” Rory chimed in.

 

“But time can be rewritten, right? That’s what the Doctor always says.” Amy said.

 

“Not always.” River stood up, and pulled out the vortex manipulator. “I should be going.”

 

“When will we see you again?” Rory asked.

 

“Sooner than you think.” She gave another of her cryptic smiles, pushed a button on the manipulator, and vanished.

 

Amy sat back down gingerly next to Rory and put her head on his shoulder. They were both quiet for a while. Finally she said “The Doctor is going to find her, right?”

 

“Of course he is.”

 

Amy kept running through the events of the last month in her head. She’d just learned she was pregnant, fairly early on, before the mysterious blue envelopes had arrived. Then she’d been with the Doctor and Rory, or so she thought. All of a sudden, she was at Demon’s Run, on her back, feeling the worst possible pain coursing through her. She didn’t remember the birth itself. She suspected the Silence were responsible for that. Something else they had taken from her. She felt her skin crawl, thinking of them. Then she’d been trapped in the white room, only seeing her baby for feedings. Her only other visitor was Kovarian peeking through the slit in the door.

 

“I’m gonna take a shower.” she told Rory. “Let me know when the food comes?”

 

“Yeah.” He nodded.

 

She went to the bedroom and pulled off the nightie, not sure whether to burn it, or if throwing it away was sufficient. On the way to the bathroom, she stopped and gasped as she passed the spare bedroom. It was now half office, half place where they threw clutter when they had friends over. When she’d first had the positive pregnancy test, she’d sat at her desk chair, leaning back, dreaming of decorating a nursery. Little baby animals, maybe. Or glow in the dark stars, like one of her younger cousins had. Giving her baby an appreciation for the stars, and telling her how her own adventures in space.

 

Would that ever happen?

 

Stifling back tears, she briskly walked to the bathroom to wash Demon’s Run off of her. 

—

Day 2 

 

Rory took a shift at hospital-they were in desperate need of help. “Are you going to be all right?” he asked before leaving.

 

“Yeah.” She said flatly. “I’ll take care of some things around here. Still need to get the hang of using this thing.” She gave him a brief kiss goodbye, and settled down on the couch, hooking up tubes and bottles.

 

She’d sent Rory out last night after dinner for groceries and supplies. Namely, a breast pump, some nappies, and a few other baby things for when Melody came home. Everything she thought she’d have months to prepare for. He’d done so without complaint, but he looked as exhausted as she felt. They’d said little over dinner, and had fallen asleep watching a movie together. Not that she’d been paying much attention to it; she’d mostly agreed as a distraction from thinking about Melody. Physically, she was feeling a little better. Less sore than yesterday, though it still hurt to move. 

 

Her phone rang. Her heart skipped a beat, thinking it was the Doctor with good news. Unfortunately, it was only her mother. “Hi, Mum.”

 

“Amy, how are you? Are you back from Utah?”

 

Oh, right. She’d told her parents she and Rory were going to the States for a vacation. “Yeah. We just got home last night.”

 

“How was it?”

 

She racked her brains to try to remember something from their visit, now months ago. “Umm, it was good, I guess. We saw lots of mountains. Very pretty.” She fiddled with one of the pump tubes. Mum had taken it hard learning her “imaginary friend” was real; she’d have a stroke if she knew about their travels with the Doctor.

 

“Well, I’d love to hear all about it. Want me to come over after work?”

 

She immediately thought of all the baby paraphenalia scattered around her. “No! I mean, the place is a mess. Why don’t I come visit you? I’ve love to see Dad too.”

 

“Sounds great, honey. Come over at six?”

 

“Yeah. See you then.”

 

It was an uncomfortable evening. Mum and Dad remarked about how run down she looked, and kept remarking how she should look rejuvenated after coming from a month long trip. She tried to pass it off as jet lag. Amy wasn’t close with her parents; they were too different from her. Mum and Dad were steady, dependable people. They were content to spend their whole lives in Leadworth. They went to work, came home, watched TV, spent weekends on gardening and visiting their friends. They didn’t seem interested in what else was in the world, let alone the universe. They’d never understand running off with a mad man in a box. 

 

She hadn’t told anyone she was pregnant except for Rory. She didn’t know how she’d begin to explain what had happened, but she felt like she was going to burst from keeping quiet. She had to tell somebody. 

 

—

Day 3

 

Amy invited Mels over to keep her company, since Rory picked up more shifts. Mels was the only friend of theirs who knew the truth about their traveling with the Doctor. Amy hoped they could have a serious conversation, as those were not normally Mels’ strong suit.

 

“Amy!” Mels greeted her with a warm hug. “How goes it? Is the Doctor around?” She always asked to meet the Doctor.

 

“No.” She said flatly. “He’s…looking for someone. Long story. Can I tell you about it?”

 

“Sure. Got anything to eat? I’m starving.” Mels bounced on the balls of her feet. “No food in my flat. Forgot to go grocery shopping this week.”

 

“Forgot?” Amy raised an eyebrow.

 

“Okay, I spent my grocery money on a new bikini. Beach season coming up!” she rubbed her hands together.

 

“Mels, you can’t keep doing that!” exclaimed Amy. “You’ve got no foster mum to fall back on now. You need to be responsible.”

 

“Oh, like you, taking off to another country to visit an alien?” Mels smirked.

 

“Good point.” She shrugged. “Grilled chicken from Murphy’s? We ordered in the other night.” There had been plenty of leftovers, as neither she nor Rory had had much appetite.

 

“Sure,” She plunked down in a kitchen chair as Amy heated up the food. “So what happened?”

 

“Well.” She had no idea where to start. She stared at the microwave timer, counting down the seconds. “We were with the Doctor, Rory and I…and” she felt tears spring from her eyes “we had a baby. And she was taken from us.”

 

She half expected Mels to crack a joke, but instead there was silence. She turned around to see her eyebrows raised in astonishment. “What happened?” she finally managed.

 

“These aliens. They kidnapped her. They were called the Silence; I hadn’t told you about them before.” She blinked, hoping the tears wouldn’t fall down her cheeks. “I named her after you.”

 

As they ate, Amy launched into the whole story of what happened. Mels listened, alternating with curiosity and horror. She’d grown up in the foster system; of course she’d emphathize over her namesake being without her parents.

 

“The Doctor is looking for her. He’s going to bring her home, I know it. I mean, we know she grows up and she’s fine, but…I don’t want to be without my little girl.” Her voice broke.

 

Mels put her hand over Amy’s. “Yeah. Melody is going to be fine.” She forced a smile, fidgeting a bit in her seat. “The Doctor will look after her.”

 

“Thanks.” She sat back in her chair and closed her eyes, feeling wrung out. “Hey Mels, do you remember anything about your mum?”

 

“A little. She was stubborn, but she had a big heart.” Her smile was wider, and more genuine.

 

—

Day 5

 

“Raggedy Man, it’s me. Give me a call when you get this message. Bye.” Amy hung up. “He better answer this time.”

 

“Amy, that’s the third voicemail you’ve left for him today. Give him a rest.” Rory grumbled without looking up from the newspaper.

 

“But we haven’t heard from him yet! I mean, he should have been able to at least talk to us.” she looked scared. “What if he’s in trouble?!”

 

“Knowing the Doctor, he probably is in trouble. He’ll figure it out.” He went to the freezer and opened the door, cursing as a white block in a Ziplock bag nearly hit his feet. “Can we get rid of some of this milk?”

 

“Hey, I spent hours pumping all that! It’s supposed to be the best thing for babies. Who knows what kind of garbage Kovarian is feeding Melody. Probably some kind of alien formula.”

 

Rory sighed and put the baggie back in the freezer. “Can we at least donate a few bags? There’s no room in here for anything else.”

 

“Yeah, fine. It’s not good forever anyway.” She checked her phone, trying to will a response from the Doctor into existence. A voicemail, a text, anything. 

 

“They can definitely use it at work.” He looked at the table. “Amy…what if he doesn’t find her?”

 

She snapped her head up. “Don’t talk like that! He _will_.”

 

“But…it’s just that I’ve been thinking. If he found her, wouldn’t he have brought her home already? So we wouldn’t have to be without her?”

 

“He doesn’t always have control over when he comes and goes. You know that. Took him twelve years to get back to me.” She had a sudden realization. “Oh no, what if he does it again? We could be in our thirties before we see her.”

 

Rory was quiet for a few minutes. “It’s just that….River has never told us anything about her childhood. I think she would have mentioned something when she brought us back, right?”

 

Amy shook her head. “She just likes playing games. And maybe there’s something that happens in our future she can’t tell us about yet. He’s going to find her, Rory! I know it!”

 

Neither of them said much after that. They spent the evening in uncomfortable silence. She kept glancing over at him while they played a video game, hesitant to get too close. How could he think that way about his daughter?

 

—

 

Day 11

 

Rory’s aunt and uncle were hosting a barbecue to celebrate his grandmother’s 85th birthday. Amy had initially approached the invitation with dread. She hadn’t seen anyone other than her parents and Mels since they’d come home. She’d spent her days pushing herself to go through the motions of daily life. Clean the flat. Make dinner. Do laundry. She’d inquired about a need for freelance work at a few journals, but when faced with an assignment, she stared at the screen for hours, the blinking cursor mocking her. But that day, the sun was shining, but not too humid, and she felt a spring in her step. Being around people was probably what she needed, not sitting at home by herself.

 

“I’m thinking of re-tiling the bathroom.” Rory broke the silence in the car. He’d been a lot more reserved the past few days.

 

“It looks fine to me.” This was out of nowhere. She looked down at her freshly painted nails. 

 

“No, the grout is all mildewy and it’s gross.” He sounded almost sullen. “I retiled a bathroom with Dad once. I’ll talk to him about it today. He can help me if I need pointers.”

 

At the barbecue, Amy found herself chatting with Rory’s Nan and various aunts and uncles. She filled up the conversation by showing them pictures of Utah (thank God Rory had taken some). She was engrossed in talking to his Aunt Tilly about her Pomeranians she didn’t notice Rory’s cousin Emmy come in.

 

“Hi everyone! Sorry I’m late! Nap ran long and had to do a last minute diaper change, pee-yew!” she pinched her nose as she put down the car seat. Amy stared in horror. She’d forgotten Emmy had a baby just before they’d left. “Hi Amy!” Emmy waved. “How have you been?”

 

“Ummm…fine. Fine.” She choked the words out. “How is…?”

 

“Alicia. She’s great. Little angel. Keeps getting up every two hours though.” Her energetic demeanor didn’t jibe with her alleged lack of sleep. She picked up the baby. “Do you want to hold her?”

 

Images flashed through Amy’s mind.

A white room.

A high pitched wail.

A patched eye in a slit in the door.

_Leave her alone! GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER YOU MONSTERS!_

Her baby ripped away from her, the warmth of her body still lingering on her hands.

Frozen, unable to stop them.

 

“Amy?! Amy, you’re hyperventilating.” Rory, holding her hand. “Purse your lips.”

 

She opened her eyes, not realizing she’d squeezed them shut. Emmy, Aunt Tilly, and Rory’s dad Brian surrounded her, looking concerned. Her chest seared with a sharp, stabbing pain.

 

“She’ll be all right, everyone. Just give her some space.” Rory told them. They dispersed, talking quietly.

 

When Amy finally caught her breath, she clutched Rory’s shirt sleeve and said, “I want to go home.”

\-- 

Day 18

 

Amy stared at the dark ceiling, willing herself to sleep. It was 2 AM. She’d been lying awake for hours. She considered putting on the telly but she didn’t want to disturb Rory, who was fast asleep and had to work in the morning. She’d done enough to make him miserable already.

 

She wished, for the thousandth time, she had her own time machine. The Doctor had emphatically told her she could not cross her own timeline, but in her time machine, she could make the rules. She only needed to make one trip. One, simple, short trip. One trip to go back to the day she went off birth control, and tell herself to stay on Earth. Don’t go off in the TARDIS. Melody would have never been exposed to the Time Vortex. She wouldn’t have been taken. She would have been safe. Just this one, small thing, and Melody would be home with them.

 

The most basic thing to do for her daughter was to protect her, and she had spectacularly failed. 

\-- 

Day 29

 

A few rays of sunlight streamed through the bedroom window. Amy snapped the blinds shut, as if the sun was committing a personal offense.

She picked up her phone from the nightstand. Four messages from the past few days, three from friends and one from her aunt. She’d call them back later. Of course, she’d said that to herself the day before.

 

She crawled back into bed.

 

“Amy, have you seen my Crocs?” Rory walked in, looking around. “Why is it so dark in here?”

 

“Crocs are ugly.” She mumbled.

 

“And very comfortable when I’m on my feet for hours.” He frowned. “Are you going to spend all day in bed again?”

 

“I didn’t fall asleep until 4.”

 

“Amy, you’ve been in terrible shape for weeks. You barely leave the house, you sleep all day, and you’re barely eating. I think you should talk to someone.”

 

“No!” she bolted upright. “What am I going to tell them, aliens kidnapped my baby? They’ll put me in a mental hospital for sure.” She thought of the psychiatrists she’d seen as a child and shuddered. She would not go through that again. No more stern expressions and judgmental attitudes. They’d lock her away. In a pristine white room, trapped inside…

 

“Amy, you’re shaking. Are you all right?” Rory was kneeling next to the bed, looking concerned.

 

“Yeah. Just thinking of all the head shrinkers I saw as a kid. Look, I just need some time to work it out on my own.”

 

He took her hand. “Promise me you’ll have at least one meal today, all right?”

 

“Yeah, I promise.” She put her hand over his. “Headed out?”

 

“Yeah, as soon as I find my…oh wait! I think I left them in the front room.” He kissed her forehead. “Bye.”

 

After Rory left, she pulled the covers over her head, hoping to ease herself from the burden of consciousness.

\-- 

Day 41

 

She’d begun a habit of taking long walks during the day, in an effort to wear out her body. It felt hard to move, as if she were wading through quicksand. Despite only walking at a brisk pace, it seemed more difficult than the 5K she’d trained for three years ago. She felt as if a weight was pressing down on her, making it difficult to move. But she’d always fought against what was stopping her, and this time was no different. She usually walked through her neighborhood, or on a bicycle path near their flat. Today was the latter. 

 

She thought about heading home, but she’d only walked three kilometers. The sky had been threatening to rain all day, but she thought she could get another three clicks in.

 

Rory would be home late again. He was gone a lot these days. He was either picking up overtime at hospital, or covering someone else’s shift to help them out. When he was home, he had all these projects he wanted to do. After finishing re-tiling the bathroom, he’d replaced all the electrical outlets, re-shelved the storage closet, and was planning to put new shelves in the pantry next. She felt they were drifting from each other. They were pleasant enough, but they’d mostly talked about trivial things in the past few weeks. A part of her worried he didn’t care about her suffering. Another part of her pointed out, why should he? She’d lost their daughter. How could he even stand to look at her?

\-- 

Day 63

 

Amy stuffed another load of laundry into the washer and turned it on, then thought about what to clean next. Rory had been grumbling about how the flat was a mess; it was the least she could do. 

 

She wiped down all the kitchen counters, then started picking up clutter, trying to avoid the breast pump. Her supply had dried up about a month earlier. She’d tried pumping more frequently, taking fenugreek and eating lactation cookies, and nothing had worked. Did it really matter at this point? Rory’s words kept coming back to haunt her, that the Doctor would have returned Melody right away if he could find her. She wasn’t sure what to do with the pump now. Give it away? Throw it out? Gingerly picking it up, she placed it in a pile with Rory’s painting supplies. He was planning to paint in the office on his next day off.

 

She went to dusting next, clearing off the bookshelves and cabinets. She stopped, feeling a catch in her throat, when she dusted the knickknack shelf with trinkets from her childhood. A picture of her from Girl Guides, drawings of the Raggedy Doctor, a clay model of the TARDIS.

 

She suddenly saw red, and with a sweeping motion, knocked the model and drawings off the shelf, knocking them to the floor. She whipped out her phone again and called the Doctor. No answer. She flung the phone against the wall and fell to the floor, hugging her knees.

 

“Why, Doctor? Why won’t you talk to me?!!” she shouted to the empty room. She bowed her head, shaking and sobbing.

\-- 

Day 88

 

“I’m going to over to Dad’s place on Saturday. Helping him install a new shed.” Rory broke the silence over dinner. Their meals now tended to be quiet affairs. 

 

“How long are you going to be?” Amy asked, pushing her peas around her plate.

 

“Probably all day. It’s a big shed.” he replied. “Then I’m working on Sunday.”

 

“So I won’t see you all weekend?”

 

“Not much. Why don’t you get out with one of the girls? Jemma or someone?” he sounded annoyed.

 

“I miss you. You’re never home anymore.”

 

He narrowed his eyes. “Well, Amy, some of us can’t all sit around doing nothing all day.”

 

“I don’t do nothing!” she retorted.

 

“What have you done the last three months? You sleep, watch TV, go out on walks? You got an offer to write for a travel magazine, you ignored them. We haven’t seen any of our friends in ages!”

 

She looked at him, fire in her eyes. “Melody is gone!”

 

“You don’t think I know that?” His nostrils flared in anger. Rory rarely got angry, and almost never at her. 

 

“I can’t do anything because she is gone!” She was so close to screaming at him. “All you’ve done for the past three months is go to work and fix things around here, which, by the way, were perfectly fine! Don’t you care about her at all?!”

 

“That’s ridiculous! Of course I do! Why do you think I’ve been doing all of this?!” he exclaimed.

 

“What are you talking about?” 

 

He bowed his head. “If I’m at hospital, if I’m fixing things, if I’m helping Dad, I’m busy. And when I’m not…I’m thinking of her. I’m missing her. And when I do,” his voice broke. “I want to fall apart. I failed her. I failed you both.”

 

“Oh, Rory.” She got up from the table and put her arms around him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize.”

 

“You were pretty wrapped up in yourself.” His voice was muffled against her shirt.

 

“Yeah, I was.” She sniffled, feeling a pang of regret. “You never failed us.”

 

“I didn’t save her.”

 

“Rory, it wasn’t your fault. An _entire army_ tried to rescue her, and they couldn’t do it.” The words had just formed in her mind, something that hadn’t occurred to her before. _It wasn’t your fault_. She clung on to those words as if they were a beacon in a storm. 

 

“I know, I know. I just feel so helpless, you know? Staying in Leadworth, doing nothing about it. At least, if I’m taking care of patients, I’m helping someone.”

 

She looked him in the eyes. “You are far from helpless. You saved me, didn’t you?”

 

He nodded. 

 

They held each other in silence for a few minutes. He added. “I felt like I needed to be strong for you, you know? Since you’ve been having such a hard time.”

 

She gave him the most determined expression she could muster. “To hell with that. I’m strong enough for the both of us.” She would be. She’d make herself do it.

\-- 

Day 91

 

Amy sat on a bench at the duck pond, nodding politely to an older woman sitting at the other end of the bench as she watched the ducks. Not feeling much like walking today, she’d cut it short after twenty minutes. 

Since she and Rory had that talk over dinner, she’d felt a little better. They’d kept talking, a little bit every day. It was helping, getting everything out. The pain when she thought of Melody felt less like a stabbing, more like a dull ache.

 

Her thoughts were interrupted by an unwelcome wail.

 

She heard the baby behind her, and whipped her head around instinctively. A young woman, blond and energetic, was pushing a pram, and making cooing noises. Amy turned forward, taking deep breaths, willing the tears not to come. _Not here, not here, please don’t let me break down here_. She’d gotten a little better, finally, and all it took was one small thing to…

 

She was surprised by a sudden touch. “Are you all right, honey?” The older woman had moved next to her. She looked to be in her fifties, plump, with salt and pepper hair she wore to her shoulders.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” She focused on her breathing.

 

The other woman looked towards the young mother, who was walking away with the pram, then looked back to Amy. “You lost a baby, didn’t you?”

 

She nodded reluctantly. “Yeah. I lost her. A girl.”

 

“So did I. Many years ago. She was three months premature.” She had a mournful expression.

 

“I’m sorry.” Amy managed. She worried this stranger would ask a bunch of intrusive questions, but instead she gave Amy a kind smile.

 

“It was the worst time of my life. My husband kept pressuring me to have more children. We eventually divorced.” She paused, dabbing at her eyes. “People kept saying to me, ‘you’re young, you can still have another one.’ I’d never felt so alone. They don’t get it, unless they’ve been through it.”

 

“They don’t.” Amy agreed.

 

“You should grieve in the way you need to, as long as you need to. Your baby will be always be part of you.” She sighed. “I think of Elsie every year on her birthday, what she’d be doing now if she lived. Would she be married? What kind of career would she have? So many questions I’ll never get to answer.”

 

They talked a little more. Amy never got the stranger’s name but she received something more important: she felt _understood_. 

\-- 

Day Unknown

 

It had been several days since they'd left River at the Sisters of the Infinite Schism. Amy sat in the console room while the Doctor was busy fixing something or other on the controls. He'd seem preoccupied, brow furrowed, studying a monitor on the console, but being secretive about its contents, turning it away when she or Rory approached.

 

She reveled in the quiet hum of the TARDIS as he worked, enjoying a moment of peace. He'd kept them running from one place to the next, showing them beautiful vistas, bustling cities, and thrilling adventures, as if he was trying to cram a lifetime of things into a small space. She hadn't had much time to think about Melody. Rory had been right; keeping busy helped.

 

Her phone buzzed, and she took it out of her pocket. "Rory should be back with takeaway in twenty minutes."

 

"Sounds delicious. Can't wait." He grabbed a spanner and started tightening a few bolts.

 

"Doctor," Amy asked "Do you have a moment?"

 

"Yeah. Just need to finish these repairs." He banged on the console with the spanner a few times, then sat down next to her. "What's up?"

 

She wasn't sure how to ask. "Did you know you weren't going to be able to find Melody?"

 

"I _did_ find her, Pond. We just went through a rampage of Berlin with her."

 

"You know what I mean."

 

He dropped his head. "Yeah. I knew."

 

"Why?!" she demanded to know. "Why put us through that charade of looking for her?! Why ignore all my messages?"

 

"I told you I would make sure she's okay. She’s okay. Well, murder and sociopathy aside, but she will be okay.” He looked up at her, deep old eyes full of fear and regret. “The murder she commits in her future…It’s a fixed point in time. The brainwashing, all of it, has to happen.”

 

She looked away from him, feeling tears well up again. She felt the dull ache within her, chronic, dependable, flaring up. "It's not the same."

 

"I know."

 

"I never got to hold her again. I wasn't there for her first words, her first steps.”

 

They were both quiet for a few minutes. Then the Doctor blurted out, "I was a father, once."

 

"You were?"

 

"And a grandfather. But I'm not anymore. They're all gone." his voice was flat.

 

"The Time War?"

 

"Yeah." he looked into the distance. "Along with billions of children. Innocent children who never asked for the war. Didn’t deserve it." He turned to Amy. "I killed them all, Gallifreyans and Daleks alike. I had to, or they would have destroyed the universe. I will live with that for all my days to come. I was lucky in only one respect. I didn't have to tell anyone that their children were gone forever, because there was no one left to tell.

“We’re at war again, us against the Silence. And no matter what side wins, Melody lost.”

 

"So you gave us false hope." She was torn between being cross with him, and understanding him a little better.

 

He sighed, "Sometimes, false hope is the only hope you have."


End file.
